Will he be a stallion or a turtle in the bedroom?

I’m seriously convinced that some women don’t know the difference between good sex and bad sex or maybe they’re just indifferent. Honestly though, there is nothing worse than adding another notch on your belt and feeling unsatisfied about it. In my eyes, no sex is better than terrible sex. That way at least I don’t feel like I’m wasting anything..like my vagina.

There are tell tale signs that he will or won’t be good in bed BUT it’s not a science so DOERS BE WARE! Here’s a little list of pointers to get you started….

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1) KISSING – If a guy can’t kiss, there’s a whole lot he can’t do! There are many varieties in the bad kissing world: the sloppy kisser, the closed mouth kisser, the tongue attacker, the dead fish lips and many, many more. You want a kiss to be so good that it gets your lady parts..uhmm..”ready” per say. The first time I kissed my guy..it was truly magical & that’s how it should be! Remember if he can’t kiss your top lips, he can’t kiss the other set either.

2) RHYTHM – A lot of men DON’T dance, but if he CAN’T dance, that’s an issue. Great sex requires rhythm so if he can’t even clap to the beat of a song then maybe he needs to beat himself off!

3) CONFIDENCE – If buddy can’t look you in the eyes while he’s talking to you, how the hell is he gonna look at you while he’s inside you?! Confidence is key in the boudoir..he’s gotta feel secure about his body, his moves and himself. A confident man can get you going with just once touch.

4)  TALKS ABOUT IT WAY TOO MUCH – If he’s really good in bed he won’t feel the need to brag about it, he’ll let the sex do the talking. If he’s constantly talking about the size of his unit, its probably not very admirable. One other pointer, if he’s actually getting some pretty regularly he won’t be talking about it as much cuz he’ll be satisfied. The times I talk about sex the most are the times I’m going through the dryest of spells.

5) SIZE – If he’s as big as an almond roca, then there is no way he can please you..unless your vag is the size of a hazelnut (dont mind the food references, im hungry!) If you’re into size then you gotta know what you’re working with in advance. So when you’re making out with him, gentley graze your hand along his package to get an idea. If you’re cuddling on the couch with him, place your head on his lap. If all else fails do the fool proof test, look at him in his bathing suit or underwear.

6) HE’S SELFISH – If he’s one of those guys that just asks for massages and never gives you one, or always takes the booth side of the table and makes you sit in the chair then he will NOT make you “arrive!” Selfish in life, selfish in bed!

7) IF HE’S FAT – This ones just a given. I’m not great at Math but this is one equation I got down: Fat = unfit, unfit = low stamina, low stamina = 1 minute man who sweats profusely. FIT > FAT

8) DRINKS ALL THE TIME AND OFTEN DOES DRUGS – Weewee go Dooooowwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnn, enough said!

9) HIS VERSION OF FOREPLAY IS MORE LIKE 1 PLAY – Guys cum at the drop of a hat, by the time you find the right fabric and build a hat we’re still not there. I like it rough but when it comes to female orgasms, usually slow and steady wins the race.

10) AT ANY POINT PUSHES YOUR HEAD TOWARD HIS JUNK – Oh no he didn’t! This isn’t really an indication of him being bad in bed but more about him being a complete jackass..walk away!

11) ASSERTIVE – I have a friend who’s gone out with a guy multiple times and the guy still hasn’t even tried to kiss her. Yet he calls takes her out all the time, constantly messages her and acts like he’s totally into her..please grow a pair! You want a man that can take charge, grab you by the neck, push you against the wall and have his way with you. Do you honestly think Mr. No-Balls can do that ??

MYTHS :

1) IF HE’S TALL HE’S BIG – NOT true ladies. The biggest trunk I ever saw belonged to the smallest elephant. No joke though, it was SO big that I had to walk away.

2) IF HIS HANDS AND FEET ARE SMALL HE’S SMALL – Refer to the last point, that last guy had tiny hands and feet. Don’t judge a penis by the body attached to it.

3) EXPERIENCE – A guy can have his PHD in vaginology and still be terrible in bed, its true! Also, he’s probably lying about all the women he’s banged. Why do men think we’re gonna be impressed by high numbers? Like, “Oh so you say you’re man whore? Wonderful, will you please do me asap then.”

So my lovelies, do your research before you do the deed with your dude. If all else fails you may be the girl with two bfs, a man and a vibrator.