Our biggest bedroom mistakes, According to REAL MEN

Do you ever wonder if you’re actually good (or great) in bed or whether you just think you are? While you’re wondering away let me set the record straight..I actually am, but lets get back to you.

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We all think we’re pretty seductive and know what we’re doing in bed (hopefully?) but I’M SURE we sometimes do things in bed that men secretly HATE. Wonder no more because I’ve been asking around my darlings, & here is the verdict:

1) DEAD FUCK – I admit I did not come up with this “catchy” name & it belongs to our very creative male counterparts. It’s pretty self explanatory, almost every man I spoke to said that they hate women who just lie on their backs and expect to get it. Understandable, they don’t wanna do a dead body..this is good! So don’t just lay there, switch positions, do some work and most of all LOOK ALIVE!

2) PORNSTAR? – Yah I know you read number 2 and we’re like “what…I thought they’d like this?” Yes! They like pornstars…but you’re probably not a porn star. So no, they don’t like it when you ACT like a porn star..unless you are one..get it? Make some noise and get into it but don’t go overboard, they watch enough porn to know the difference. According to one of my guy friends he “fucked a chick from boston once n it was lilke ‘ohhhh yeeeaaaa ohhh yeeeaaaa’ the whole time,” let’s just say his mission went from getting her off to shutting her up.

3) HEAD ANYONE? – This one’s common sense, normal guys like getting head just like we like getting our parts serviced. If you’re one of those girls who don’t enjoy giving it then save your acting skills for this one instead of #2.

4) MUTE – While keeping #2 in mind also remember that you don’t wanna be a mute. If he’s doing something you like let him know and if he’s not hitting the right spots flash a stop sign at him..be honest & helpful. Guys like a little encouragement..in a sexy way though..you don’t wanna remind him of his mother.

5) ROUTINE – Try new things! In the wise words of 5 British women “spice up your life.” Don’t fall into a routine and don’t treat sex like your daily to do list.

6) WHAT ARE YOU THINKING RIGHT NOW? – Many of us have done this at one point or another. Just let him be..especially after sex. He’s probably thinking, I just did her and deciding whether he wants to again or not.

7) THE NAME GAME – Don’t talk about your ex or that random guy you slept with once or twice. No guy wants to hear about who did and didn’t get you off, especially not when you just got off his…you know! We sometimes think we’re stroking their egos by saying things like “my ex could never do that,” but at that moment he doesn’t want the image of any other man in his head.

8) NO NO, YOU FIRST – Men hate it when you never initiate sex, after all they want a woman who knows what she wants and they’re hoping what she wants is PLENTY OF SEX!

9) OWN YOUR BODYBe confident with what you got. Every guy I’ve ever been intimate with has always told me some story about one of their exes who was uncomfortable with her body. The more confident you feel, the better sex you have. So don’t hold back and love your body, trust me he’s not noticing all the little things you hate but rather focusing on your amazing bubbly bits. Complaining about your body is not his idea of foreplay so forget it!

10) CLAP ON, CLAP OFF You’re willing to spreadeagle for him but not keep the lights on during sex? Unless you’re a vampire he’s already seen you in the light. Forget about your skin imperfections or possible clusters of fat in certain areas and let his eyes take in every inch of you, while you take in every inch of him…(yum!)

11) PERFORMANCE REVIEW – They’re not hiring you and you’re not hiring them, unless you just slept with a prostitute or vise versa in which case you already gave em the job. Don’t ask him if he enjoyed it over and over again and if it was the best sex he’s ever had. TRUST ME, if you’re the best he’s had he’ll make it known and he will NEVER LET YOU GO.

12) BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER EATING THE CAKE –  So he just went down on you & wants to come up for some air & give you a kiss. Listen, he does THAT because he knows you LOVE it. I’m sure lots of guys enjoy it but ultimately he’s making you happy so making him brush his teeth right after is no way of showing him your gratitude.

13) CONSTANTLY SPITTING IT OUT – If you don’t wanna keep down the grand finale that’s understandable but to spit after every scene is a little excessive. You don’t wanna make him feel undesirable or disgusting. Keep it down until his package goes down.

14) DICK’S THE WORDGuys like foreplay too but getting them in the mood almost always involves their dick. We have many erogenous zones…they only have one! Just because you like something doesn’t mean he will..so always keep one thing in mind, DICK!

15) DON’T LEAVE IT TO HIS IMAGINATIONTake it off..allllll off! Even if you think your boobs are too small, it’s really weird to keep your top on during sex. He’s doing you so clearly your body’s doing it for him. The only things that can stay on once in a while are heels and maybe a piece of lingerie.

Now get in the bedroom and practice perfecting your sex game ;)

 

  1 comment for “Our biggest bedroom mistakes, According to REAL MEN

  1. Fariba
    February 1, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Well done Mahan… Read this with Beatrix, such a great fun break time you provided for us with this blog in this boring office…!!

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