Nothing deflates a PENIS and dries up a VAGINA faster than bad bedroom etiquette.
We all remember those childhood songs about manners, whether we learned them from Sesame Street or Barny. But no one ever sang us songs about bedroom etiquette and one day we woke up in bed questioning our bedroom manners or maybe you’re still oblivious? No matter what you may think your manners in the bedroom COUNT, but don’t think they’ll makeup for your lack of oral skills and other unmentionable bad bedroom qualities you may have.
Even if you’re a God/Godess in the bedroom they will ride you & get off at the nearest stop, never to be found again. I’ve put together a list of No-Nos specifically for MEN & for WOMEN, btw not all of these rules are applicable to one night stands but they are ALL applicable to relationships & dating.
1) EXPRESS CUDDLER – Women like the thought of express..when it comes to online shopping delivery! You just did her..whatever that entailed, you seriously can’t cuddle for a few mins longer than you anticipated? I’m not saying cuddle every damn girl that steps foot in your bed but if you’re dating the chick then you have to cuddle or you get no ands, ifs or “BUTTS”..ever!
2) EAGER SHOWER-er – Okay we get it, you’re clean but do you get that we are too? Jumping in the shower 2 mins after sex is basically reducing us down to a hooker, if you’re so worried about our level of hygiene why the hell did you just do us? I’m not saying not to shower after sex (this is good) but just wait a bit unless the girl is actually DIRTY in which case get in there boy!
3) HEAD CONTRACT – Yes, its like an unspoken contract. You want it? then give it! Don’t expect us to service you when you haven’t serviced us..this is such a double standard. Get with the times sweety, Mr.Knob get no love if kitty get no licky. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
4) ASKING ABOUT ABOUT OTHER ENTRANCES – Ummmmmmmkay, are you serious dude??? Like no, this is..just don’t! If a girl wants you to stock up her backroom she’ll make it known.
5) RIPPING/EXPLODING ON OUR CLOTHES – You don’t know how much this dress cost so unless you’re prepared to replace it DO NOT RIP IT. Hello?! we’re not filming a porno here, calm down..it’s not cute! And don’t even think about finishing on our clothes..we do not want our stuff forever stained with your “stuff.”
6) DELIVERING THE PACKAGE WITHOUT A SIGNATURE – Unless we okay it don’t finish in our mouth, that is rude..disgusting and just plain presumptuous.
1) BACK SCRATCHER – (a la family guy) Ladies you are not a “freak” in bed just because you scratch up a mans back, they don’t find this hot. Often times it hurts them and they don’t want to be marked up for the next chick they bang.
2) FACE OFF – If you’ve got a full face of makeup on and he has white sheets, well do the math. Don’t leave the guy any souvenirs especially if you’re just casually dating or doing him.
3) SLEEP HORIZONTALLY – If you’re spending the night don’t span out your XS body like an elephant and take up 3/4 of the bed.
4) CLINGY CUDDLER – You are not a mother Koala and he is not your baby, don’t hang on to him like your life depends on it you stalker.
5) CLEAN UP THE KITTY – If you’ve ever read this blog you know I’m an advocate of “kitty wipes.” So clean it up, wax/shave it off or trim it up. Let’s be honest our lower region is a bit more mysterious than our male counterparts and therefore it requires more maintenance, do your part ladies.
6) FAKING IT – You know the saying “fake it until you make it,” well sometimes this just doesn’t work. In the case of orgasms when you start to fake it, well then..there’s no making it. I’m not saying don’t ever fake it because hey let’s be honest that’s like telling you not to breathe but don’t constantly fake it. At least if you’re gonna fake it sometimes then switch it up, give the man some credit. You can also just try being honest and telling him you’re not gonna get off tonight, just a thought.
So remember ladies & gents next time you’re asking for anything don’t forget to say please & thank you, especially when it comes to sex.